Is Your Marriage At Odds With Your Coaching Career?

Hey, Amazing Coaches,

I hope this email finds you well and thriving in your coaching journey. We wanted to reach out and share some exciting news - we just released a brand new episode on the Coaches Journey Podcast, and it's a must-listen!

In this episode, we dive deep into a topic that's often overlooked but crucial for coaches - the impact of coaching on relationships, especially with our significant others. 🤝 Dr. Sheri Fluellen and Daniel Fernandes share their personal stories and insights, exposing the struggles and celebrating the successes of being coaches with spouses who may not fully understand the coaching journey.

Whether you're just starting out or looking to expand your reach, this episode is packed with valuable tips on getting your spouse on board, leveraging their thoughts and expertise, and avoiding common mistakes that can strain your relationship.

But here's the catch – we won't spill all the beans here! You'll have to tune in to the episode to get the full scoop. Trust us, it's worth it.

And hey, if you enjoy the podcast, we'd love for you to share it with your coaching community. Your word of mouth is a powerful way to help us reach more coaches and make a positive impact in the coaching world.

Thank you for being a part of the Coach's Journey community. We appreciate you, and we can't wait for you to join us on this insightful episode.

Happy listening!

The Coaches Journey Podcast

Transcription: 

[00:00:00] You're listening to the coach's journey podcast, exposing the struggles and celebrating the successes in the life of coaches who are action takers and creating authentic impact in today's world. Whether you're just starting out, expanding your reach or exploding your impact, you're in the right place right now, stay tuned and be sure to subscribe to this podcast.

Now, here are your hosts of the coach's journey. You're listening to the coach's journey podcast, exposing the struggles and celebrating the successes in the life of coaches who are action takers and creating authentic impact in today's world. Whether you're just starting out, expanding your reach or exploding your impact, you're in the right place right now, stay tuned and be sure to subscribe to this podcast.

Now, here are your hosts of the coach's journey.

All right. Welcome coaches. As Sherry would say, hello, coaches nation.[00:01:00]

What's up coaches nation. Why do you, how

do you say it Sherry? I don't even remember now. You totally threw me off.

You say, you say like, what's up coaches nation. What's up, got who you

say? Yeah, we're back with another amazing episode of the coach's journey podcast. I am here Dr. Sherry Pluwellen with our, my amazing co host for today, Danielle Fernandez.

And our topic today is critical because if you are in a significant relationship as a coach. Or aspire to have a significant relationship or with the significant other as a coach, there is the potential for them not to fully understand what we do as coaches or the journey of the coach. And so what happens if there's conflict or there's misunderstandings or expectations are different.

That's what we're going to talk a little bit about today. Because Daniel and I are both married and we have some stories.

We have each [00:02:00] of our own separate marriages, like, and we have similar, like, I'm sure it's a curious conversation with you, Sherry, because we have, we have so many different experiences to bring that are probably the same challenges in different environments.

So, like, I, I'm really curious about where this goes today, but real quick, if you who are watching can think about how you found this podcast, there's someone, you know, maybe it's a coach who you have. The opportunity to share it with personally on social media or something like that. The only way we can provide this content to more coaches is by word of mouth.

And obviously our own marketing, but your word of mouth is a really big part of that. So we would ask that you pay it forward to another coach. If you get a lot out of this podcast, please share it. Cause we really need more positive growth in the world and coaches are going to be the ones to do it.

So that's why we're supporting coaches. So this is a topic that so many coaches need support on their spouse or significant relationship or marriage. What. Are the effects of coaching on that. And people don't think about this as a thing, but it is a thing. It's really important. It's not just coaching.

It's also entrepreneurship, but coaching this specifically has some challenges in relationships. [00:03:00] So today we're going to share some of our best tips for how you get your spouse on board. How you leverage your spouse's thoughts, expertise, and experience so that they're part of the process and things not to do with your spouse.

Right? So, like, things that, like, we've done that are mistakes, big mistakes you can make with your spouse. So let's jump right into it, Shari. I hope you wrote those three down.

I was trying to. Yeah, so just Daniel, let's just share a little background about our spouses so there's a little bit of context.

What's your name? What's what's possibly unique is we both actually have entirely entrepreneurial families meaning that neither myself or my husband or Daniel or his wife are employed by anybody else other than ourselves. But my background, I've been married for 20, Four years. I always have to think I've been married for 24 years.

My husband and I dated for quite a few years before that. I try not to tell my kids how long we dated because I don't want [00:04:00] them to date as early as I did.

But we've been married for 24 years and about 13 years ago, he and I both became entrepreneurs the exact same year. He went from being an employee somewhere to being a real estate agent in July of 2010. And I went from being a psychologist in the air force to having my own private practice in December of 2010.

So 2010 was a year that rocked our world. We also. Yeah, we had three kids at that time, three little itty bitties and a fourth one on the way life was crazy. And it, what I've noticed from switching from being employed to being an entrepreneur and trying to figure all that stuff out is there is this whole lot, another level of chaos and lack [00:05:00] of lack of surety in life.

That's

Yeah,

or surety. You know, I'm not sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they just and so there is there's a lot of extra stress. Now. I know some people have a spouse that I know coaches that have spouses that are employed and then they're self employed and they do the coaching thing. And honestly, that can be kind of a good balance because then there's some of that certainty, some financial stability there, especially for beginning coaches.

But my journey did not have that. And we've been entrepreneurs long enough to where we do have some financial certainty, but it's still, it's, there's a lot of unpredictability, but I'll take it every day of the week because I love the other the flip side, which

brings us to the first point when you're a coach, when you're in entrepreneurship there's a lot of uncertainty.

Just because it's different from being in a job where a lot of the structure around how you make money is already figured [00:06:00] out, but in entrepreneurship, you have to figure that out for yourself. And if you have a team figure out for them, and that's a lot of a different level, a different context of responsibility for me, I'll give you a short.

Recap of my history too. I've only known my wife 10 years. We've been married for since 2019. And so that's a 44 years or so, but it feels like it's been longer because we've gone through so many different experiences together. When I started dating my wife, I had a corporate job and she was the one who actually encouraged me.

I told her what my vision for life was. I wanted to be an entrepreneur and I wanted to do coaching and stuff. And so when we were long distance for a while, she's like, well, didn't you always want to be an entrepreneur? Like, isn't it time that you put your job because we're long distance. And don't you always, you know, Like this is part of what you want in life, right?

To have a family, to be an entrepreneur. I was like, but I can't do it. I can't quit my job. So we spent two years long distance and eventually I decided to do it. And she was, she was able to support me a little bit while I started my coaching career. But what she couldn't do was understand the journey that I was on as an entrepreneur suddenly, and the flailing as a coach in the [00:07:00] beginning.

And it was, it was pretty hard. We almost broke up that year. And we've been on a long journey since then. And since then, she's also become an entrepreneur. And we've, we've had different different businesses. I still actually, I do work for my wife. We have a coffee company and I work for her.

The coffee company is savearista. com. And that is a company that we built together. We, we explore coffee and we, she started this company and I said, like, let me work for you. You be the CEO and you just tell me what to do. Anything you decide is like binding and I will have perspective, but I won't.

Overrule you. And so we've been collaborating that way, but it's very clear what the roles are. But then in my business, I brought her in as a CFO of my business to help me figure out finances because she's way stronger in that area. And she's helped me with other businesses too, like coaching mastery community.

And she's really good with, with finances. So we've kind of worked for each other a little bit in different entrepreneurial ways. We both understand now the journey of entrepreneurship, but there was definitely a time where one of us was wasn't she's had jobs since then as well. But the, the, the biggest challenge that I think I see [00:08:00] with, with spouses is that understanding the entrepreneurial reality that the coaches need.

Like if you're a coach, there's two, like two really big challenges. One is the challenge of entrepreneurship. That alone is like. Super hard. So if you find coaching hard because of entrepreneurship, that is like, so real. And we talk about the entrepreneurial rollercoaster, me and my wife is like every day, it's like, we should just give up.

Oh no. Or we should just like, keep on going. It's like, it's like every couple of days something happens. You're like, Oh my gosh. But the nice thing about the entrepreneurial journey is that you figure out how to manage with insane levels of uncertainty and that makes you a better coach. And so, and the second part of it is uncertainty of coaching because you feel like you're on the line.

So anytime you get a note, you feel rejection, or if you don't have people responding, you know, you, you take it personally. And that whole taken in personally side of coaching and you don't have confidence in your, whether your coaching is going to be good enough. Can I charge money? Like that's a whole other side of it [00:09:00] that definitely impacts your spouse.

So there's this two, I would say the entrepreneurial piece and like, and the coaching confidence piece are both like massive sources of uncertainty for you as a coach. And that rubs off on your spouse. And that's your spouse, like only want to help you, but they don't know how, cause you don't know how. So it gets really complicated.

And so they're like, you know, like, what are you doing? This business is different from other businesses. They don't even understand that. And so it's like, it's really at first, we had struggled through communication about. Like, what am I doing in my coaching business? And why am I spending all this money on programs that I, that I shouldn't probably be buying, which she was probably right about.

You know, like, so being able to communicate is the hardest part.

I love, I love that you broke it down into the, the, both the complexity of just being an entrepreneur and then the plex, the complexity of coaching in and of itself. Now I had.

I can tell like I'm getting like a little charged up here.

I mean, I had the advantage that I was an entrepreneur, entrepreneur for nine years before I became a coaching entrepreneur, I was an entrepreneur.

I was [00:10:00] a psychologist. I was, I started a private practice and was growing that. So still like doing the coaching ish kind of stuff, but as a psychologist. I didn't have the level of marketing and sales that I needed that I need now as a coach because I was billing insurance and I just, I always had a steady flow of clients.

And so that was the thing. So as I was building my skills as an entrepreneur, now, when I sold that and I was like, I'm going all in on coaching because this is where I feel like I can have a bigger impact. And it's, there's more energy for me there and all that sort of stuff. Then there's all of that, like, Oh, crap.

Now I need to know how to sell. And now I need to like really track outcomes because I, you know, I, it's just, there's a whole level that comes with that, that I had not experienced yet. So beginner coaches, if you've not had an experience. As an entrepreneur yet, and you're kind of doing it all together. Oh, my gosh, how overwhelming.[00:11:00]

And that's exactly why, quite frankly, coaching mastery community exists because we understand the complexity of all of that and we see, and we've experienced ourselves and when we're not in community with other coaches who understand what we're doing and what we're getting, we might. Have the, the tendency to when Daniel's like every, every other day, we're like, that you might actually act on that thought and be like, I give up, I quit.

I'm just going to go get a nine to five. And if that's not consistent with what you feel called to do, you need support and your spouse just may not be in the position to support you. I've had two to three conversations just in the last week with my husband. He's an entrepreneur, like he gets that, but he still doesn't quite get my coaching.

And when he looks at the amount of time I spend on coaching ish activities and the amount of revenue I generate I'm still not. [00:12:00] Quite at the level I was when I owned a practice. And so he sees that and he, and his mind is like, well, you just need to find something that's more profitable, but deep down, I know that I'm on the right path because there is so much growth and change that's happening inside of me.

He can't see or recognize because it's in me. And and I know that Daniel, you and I have talked about just recently. About when we're on this path of growth, and we're trying to figure these things out and we're struggling where, you know, if it's up with partnership or all of the different things that come with potentially with coaching, there is so much growth that happens that is really not quantifiable.

And so 1 of my favorite quotes from Alex Hermosi. Who's a really, really smart about business is he says he thinks in decades, not days, months or years. [00:13:00] And that has stuck with me. And I'm like, okay, is what I'm doing right now as a coach, the energy and the work I'm putting in, is that going to benefit me?

A decade from now, 100%, I believe so. And so I'm sticking with my guns, but while I'm sticking to my guns and doing the things that I feel like are allowing an impact and are growing me internally. So I can continue to have a bigger impact. I now have to still manage my husband's slightly, like, skeptical of, like.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it is a challenge and, and, you know, and I certainly don't have a, a perfect way of saying this is how you need to do it, but I am certain of one thing, well, certain of two things. I am certain that you must have these conversations when you don't have the conversations. There's frustration, resentment, confessor, and

resentment, which conversation specifically share.

I want to be super clear on this. Yeah,

the conversations. Well, whatever conversations are coming up, if it's, if this, if you feeling some [00:14:00] energy from your spouse about them, not understanding, maybe they're supporting, but more of their supporting is just not saying anything, but they're not actually helping you.

Whatever comes up for them or for you. You got to have these conversations. And so the conversations that I have with my husband are going to look different than the ones that you have, Daniel. Then they're probably gonna look a little bit different than the ones that our listeners will have, but there needs to be an open communication.

So I need to say to my husband, Hey, I know you don't fully understand this. I want to be open with you. I'm pretending like he's standing here. That's why I'm looking over there. We're doing the empty chair

thing at the door. I'm sure my, my wife is in the other room hearing what we're saying. Yeah.

That's I want to be open with you.

I I want to be able to have open communication. So if there's things you don't understand or frustrated about, please share them with me. I'm open to that. And when he comes to me with that, I need to not like bite his head off in that conversation.

Yeah. I remember so many conversations with my wife because some of the, like the other third [00:15:00] thing that challenge that you have as a coaching entrepreneur is your own personal communication ability and the conflict with your, your spouse's own personal communication ability or your significant other.

Because the ability to talk about it and realize working together is so valuable. Like at the beginning, like we didn't have that trust level that each of us was going to let go of a little bit of control by bringing the other person in. And so like I wanted my independence to pursue my own coaching journey and things.

I was spending all this money on stuff. And my wife was like, what? But she was my wife at the time. So it was a little easier for me to just like, you know, whatever. But eventually we got married and we, well, even before we got married, we started integrating finances more. And so, There's an accountability that I needed to have that I didn't yet have internally.

And so my wife was like frustrated that we weren't collaborative on money when we were living together. And like If you do make decisions about money when you're not, she was supporting me too at the time. And I was still living in the, like, I have a lot of money for my corporate job mode. And like, I didn't make my own personal development transition over to like, okay, [00:16:00] the new reality is I don't have the same level of money and income.

I can't make the same trade off decisions. I can't just buy whatever I want to. And it affects somebody else too. Who's working really hard to support me. I didn't have that appreciation of what, you know, what the dynamics of the relationship we're doing to me. We're, we're doing and what I needed to do differently because I hadn't had those like personal development pieces.

I hadn't gone through that journey yet. Had I had a coach at the time, big mistake when you make this transition as a coach. From corporate to coaching or when you try to integrate your wife, having a coach can be really helpful. I wish I had a coach earlier in my journey. I wish I had a community like coaching master community earlier.

My journey would have been so much easier to talk to people about these questions or have people tell me things that would be super important for me to know over time, it took a long time, like years and years for us to like, have this little, like what you spent money on that conversation and then like, now I'm defensive.

And so like, even, even today, like we are so much better. Like right now, like I walked through with my wife. All the things I'm thinking of buying [00:17:00] because I actually want her input now as opposed to before I was like, no, no, no, I got this. I'm so independent. I can, I have all the answers. I don't need, I don't need somebody else telling me what to do, you know, but like, but I, but I actually realized she has a lot of valuable input to me.

And the things that I care about in my life are like. The same things that I've told her that I care about, she cares about them because I care about them and she cares about them too, on her own. And so, when she's telling me like, Hey, I'm concerned about this because how do we know it's going to give you the results you want?

And then I have to defend it. I can't just make a whim purchase if I have to defend it and actually make an argument and like really walk through with somebody together to figure it out. Not saying that I didn't make stupid purchases that I had to go get a refund for. Which, you know, you know, in all honesty, within the last quarter, I did that once I made a, like, not a huge purchase, but a significantly large enough purchase.

You're like, what is this charge? I'm like, let's talk about it later. And then I went and got a refund. Cause I knew that was the wrong thing to buy. I said like, Hey, I got a refund. There's a couple of conversations in between too, but Oh my gosh,

it's funny. So there's, there's two things. The first is communication, which we're talking about.

And the second is accountability, [00:18:00] because if you can demonstrate to your spouse that you are. Yeah. Accountable to them and to yourself for the goals. That's huge. And one of the things we do at the coaching mastery community is we actually have all of our pro members create create plans for themselves and really dig in the weeds on how much money do they need to make?

And what kind of, how many clients is that? And we can, you know, and just really get clear on that. So that means there's X number of reach outs or conversations or, you know, different metrics that you need to have every week. And if you can show your spouse that, Hey, I'm actually doing the work, To get the results that is going to be huge.

And for them to be able to trust

you. Yeah, I love this Sherry. You're right. So communication, like extended communication of figuring things out together, super important. The best strategy also is to be collaborative about your business. Let them in, make sure you're on the same page about what the objectives are, help them help you think through the things you can't see if they, if they can, and bring them along the journey with you, like make sure you're [00:19:00] not taking them by surprise, right?

And number three, things not to do, don't do stuff that's going to make them angry.

Let's just leave it at that.

Unless, unless you are totally sure that you can bring them on, like, sometimes I'm like, I know I need to do this thing. She's going to have a question about it, but I know based on what we've talked about and the conversations we have had, that I can make that argument.

And sometimes I'm wrong and have to get a refund. I

love that. So if you're listening to this and you can like totally see yourself in these conversations and these challenges, we would love to invite you into the coaching mastery community. You can join the Facebook group for free, just search for a coaching mastery community, but you can also get a huge amount of value support and path and leveling up.

As a coach by our, our membership, our paid membership. And if that's something that you think, huh, I wonder what that's about. Just reach out to us and we'll have that conversation. We appreciate you guys so much with listening to this. And I'll bet you, you [00:20:00] probably haven't heard a podcast in a long time about coaching and marriage all in the same while dealing with the coach's marriage, not marital counseling and coaching.

We should

do a follow up podcast on this one too. I think there's so much more to talk about, but absolutely. So if you

have a particular topic, you would love for us to also talk about, let us know support at coaching mastery community. com. You can reach us there and until next time. Bye.

You're

listening to the coach's journey podcast.